Transqueer Nation

So I recently just joined a group called Transqueer nation.  There are forums and discussions that really help me out a lot...and I think it is even more awesome because it is not just for people who are trans or queer anyone can join up.

There are some people who like to say, "Well, why do you need your own site?  The more you talk about your differences the less accepting people are going to become."  Unfortunately I have actually heard that.  My response is:

1.  The site does not exclude anyone who wants to join as long as they aren't going to bash people on it.  
2. It isn't the fact that we are celebrating our differences that makes people less likely to be accepting, if anything it helps younger (or should I say newer) people in the trans community to accept who they are and realize that it is not wrong or a sin or anything else people use to make it seem like you are an inferior species because of something you cannot control!
3. I don't care about people who are not accepting.  They must have had such a horrible thing happen to them that they cannot just love and be loved!

2 Months on T

Hey everybody, so Christmas Eve was actually my two month mark of being on T.  I have noticed that my muscles have become more defined.  Now when I say that I don't mean I magically now have big muscles; all I mean is that now instead of all the fat you used to see on me there are slightly visible bits of muscle here and there.  My voice continues to get deeper.  It is really interesting to be able to sing songs that I thought I would always have to sing an octave higher.  At the same time the songs that I used to rock out to that were on the edge of my belt range don't really come out very well anymore.  I suppose that is a small price to pay in order to feel more myself!

Catch you guys soon.

Why use a packer?

For a transman they can use a packer or not, it is after all a very personal decision.

I use my packer when I know I am going to be meeting someone new or if I am going to some place new.  I wear one because; 1) Even if it is a small bulge it is much more likely that you will be able to pass 2) it really does change your stance and 3) of course there is always the accidental bumpage.

1. The first thing people notice when they meet someone new (especially someone who looks androgynous) is they look at your chest and your crotch.  If they see a flat chest but no bump or vice - versa it will still leave them confused and they will just assume whichever gender makes sense.  So if there are both you are more likely to pass as the desired male gender.
2. You don't really ever stand with your legs closed with something dangling between your legs.  You have a wider sitting position as well.  It helps you remember to take up space.  Men often take up more space then they need.  It just helps as a little reminder.
3. If I am in a club or dancing with someone or whatever the case may be and they brush up against my crotch without the packer that could be a bit awkward.  You know?

Well that will be all for now!  Thanks for reading!

Sex and Sex Drive

*Warning this section is going to be talking about sex and/or sex drive...if you do not wish to read it skip to the next section and if you don't care read on brave soldier!*

So I have now been on Testosterone for almost a month and a half and I must admit there is an increase in my sex drive.  Let me explain; when I was younger, and hell even over the summer, I was a prude.  I didn't want to talk about sex, I didn't want to think about sex and at least to the best of my knowledge I never had a wet dream so to speak.  I was much more consumed with all the romance and being the perfect person...you don't need sex to survive.  Don't get me wrong I am still concerned with all the romance, but I am certainly no longer a prude.  I will admit that sex is on the mind at least 10 times as often as it used to be (if not more).  I always used to say if someone I thought was attractive and they asked me to do it I would have said maybe after I buy you dinner, and we go on some dates, and then maybe I will serenade you...after all that sex might be an option.  Not that I would necessarily act on it, but all the romance can come after.  I'm not going to get in to all the nitty gritty details, but I figured I would at least give a little overview!

That's all for now!

1 Month on T

So November 24th was one month on Testosterone.  I filmed a little clip of me the day of my first shot and on the 24th of November.  There is definitely a difference in the sound of my voice and there will be more to come!  I am going to continue to try and film as close to month increments (as I can remember) to be able to follow the process that way as well.  When I have a bit more to show I will be sure to post it.  Thank you all for the continued love and support.

Transgender Day of Remembrance

Today, November 20th, is the 14th annual international Transgender Day of Remembrance.  Today we should remember all the people who too soon met their end.  In the last twelve months alone over 250 people have lost their lives because of ignorance, closed minds, and violence.  That isn't even mentioning the people who were beaten, raped or left for dead yet somehow managed to hang on just long enough to get help.  Not to mention, all the children that are living out on the streets because their parents disowned them for being honest.  And what about the men and women that commit suicide because they fear they will never be loved as their proper gender or because they honestly think there are no other possible options to make things better.  How can this still be a reality for any group of people?  How is it that people feel entitled to beating and killing innocent people just because their genitals don't match the gender they know themselves to be?  Yes, today is a day to honor those souls who left the earth plane because of intolerance.

But today we should also celebrate because of how far we have come.  We should celebrate our friends, families and allies for helping us go further towards the future.  We should celebrate the lives of the transgender community, and all those that came before us.  So instead of letting the negative consume us, we also need to remember that we have strength simply because we are more honest, then most people can say they themselves are.  We are transgender, and even though we know the risks we still become the most we that we can be.

Poem about my journey

I haven't really been writing all that much (poetry wise anyway), so this is my first piece in awhile.  It is sort of out there and there are probably people who aren't going to get it...but this is how I choose to express my feelings about my journey so far.  Still working on a title though:

It is this strange sort of melody
with electronic
and historic lighting
singing a duet.
One leads me toward my future
while the other urges me
not to forget my past.

The screen seems blinding
while the candle burns bright.

Looking back I find situations
that left my soul believing
it could not conceivably have felt worse.
And though my future may be completely unknown
it leaves my very existence
with a feeling full of possibility,
full of hope.

Somehow I find my way back,
back to my present
with a reality
of being completely content
with where I am
at this exact moment.

No my life is far from perfect,
but it is mine all the same.
Only I can live it,
so I choose to live it well.

Hormone Balances

Now that I have taken my second shot of T and I am a little more than a week away from taking my third I have a little more of a grip on how it is affecting me.  In all honesty my body and mind are still trying to get a handle on my hormones.  After all my body is still producing estrogen, but then it is also getting bi monthly doses of testosterone.  I know that in the future everything will balance out, but as of right now my moods and emotions are not as much under my control as I want them to be.  For example sometimes I am as calm and mellow as can be while other times an out of place comment might rub me the wrong way.  I guess that is all for now, more to come later.

Helpful Tips for dating a Transman

No I am not dating anyone right now...but I figured I might as well write about this before I am blinded by love, or just if I do start dating someone they can just read and they don't have to worry about asking me.

So here are some guidelines, or helpful hints to dating me as a transman*:

1. Don't call me your girlfriend
• This is kind of self explanatory I think, but even if you are dating me and you identify as a lesbian I am NOT a girl.  But even when it is just the two of us, I am a guy so please don't do it!  Male Pronouns in general are the way to go.
2. Don't out me
• There are some people who will know me from the past, but I want to move forward.  Anyone who is just meeting me can think that I am just another guy.  It is in no way that I am ashamed of who I am and what I have to overcome, I simply just don't want to constantly be looked at as that transkid.
3. Just ask
• There are a lot of terms that transmen use (T, packing, binding, etc.) that might not be known very well to everyone else, so if you have a question just ask.  As long as you do it when it is just the two of us, or don't make it a big deal I don't care.
4. Male compliments
• Let's be honest, would you call a cis guy beautiful or pretty?  Now don't get me wrong you also don't have to say something like, "Oh you handsome hunk".  The one word I will accept no matter what however is "adorable".

*Heads Up - Everyone is different, some things that might be important to me might not be as important to another transman and vice versa.  Best option is if you have a question just ask!

Driver's License

This past week I was lucky enough to get everything all set so that I could change my gender on my driver's license.  I was a bit worried that it would be more complicated than it actually was, and I was also worried that I might have some grumblings or rude comments from the person that took care of me at the RMV.

Well in the state of Massachusetts it is actually much easier than you would expect, you simply need to get a gender designation form signed by a physician, therapist, counselor, or licensed social worker.  For anyone who wants to see the form: http://www.masstpc.org/pubs/gendermarker/MA_gender_change.pdf

Once you have that form signed you can head on down to the RMV, once at the RMV you receive an application for change of information.  I had to fill out all of my information as it was, and then on the back I was able to check off the proper gender.  By the time my number was called I had butterflies in my stomach...it was a mixture of being nervous and excited all at the same time.  I got called to station number 8, and any of you who know me know that 8 is my lucky number, so I knew everything was going to be just fine.  It was clear that the woman never had dealt with a change of gender, but she was also very kind and did not make any out of line comments.  However if it were the case that she had refused to help me I knew that it is completely in my right to ask for a manager or any kind of supervisor.  Since that was not the case it was just a happy Halloween day where I got to be recognized for the gender I already see myself as!

Thanks for reading and all the support, more to come!

Name change

There have been a lot of people that ask me why I chose the name Damien or what that name means.  Damien means to tame, but that is not why I picked it as a name.  It was a name that popped into my head and it just sort of stuck.  Believe me I looked up names and all their meanings and I think at one point I had a list of 12 or so names, but for some reason the name Damien just always felt right.  I have begun to trust my gut a lot more than I used to, because it has brought me to this point in my journey I know that sometimes it is the only choice.

Other questions are why did I not just keep Dakota, it was a perfectly androgynous name.  I think some of the reason is that it reminds me of times when I was not happy in the skin that I inhabited.  And everyone is right, the name is androgynous, but I wanted something that left no doubt.  If someone tells you their name is Dakota you think of Dakota Fanning or some star's son that is named Dakota, if someone tells you their name is Damien there isn't really much room for you to think about any girls named Damien.  But I also did not want to just completely get rid of it either so I added an h (which is actually the more masculine way of spelling Dakota) and made it my middle name.

Have a question?

So just putting this out there...I am pretty much an open book about the whole experience so if you have a question ask me.  If you have something you want me to write about in my blog, tell me.  Whatever you ask I promise I won't act like you are stupid, because things that are obvious to me I know are not going to be things that are obvious to everyone else.  Quite frankly though I would rather you ask me straight up then end up sounding like a jackass because you start talking about something that you know nothing about.  So please ask, and I will be happy to answer any questions you may have.

Not quite whole

Disclaimer:  Every so often there will be a post that is, in all likelihood, going to come off as whining and poor me esque.  I will always try to put a warning at the top, but I just need to vent and work through things sometimes.

I haven't had anyone specifically say that I am not enough of a man, or a man at all in a hurtful way.  I have plenty of people saying that though just because they are blissfully ignorant to my new journey.  But it kind of sucks when you are doing all that you can to be this person that you know you were always meant to be, and you let that idea sink in to your mind even an inch.  I can try as hard as I want for heteronormality, and just be with a woman but there will always be a piece that is not quite complete.  I wasn't born with the right parts so there is a piece of me that knows emotionally I will be an amazing partner, but in reality not being born with the right parts gives you this daunting feeling that you may fall short of physically pleasing your girlfriend or boyfriend the way that they may crave.

Believe it or not guys, typically, are actually shy and even sometimes nervous when they ask someone out.  Because I am not your typical guy under the hood I will have the added nervous factor of after getting a yes somewhere down the line I am going to have to say, "Oh and by the way I was actually born with a female's body."  Don't get me wrong if someone told me that I could restart this life but as a whole and complete guy I would say no, and that may sound stupid or you may not get it...but I would not be who I am today if I was born "right".  And yes I may have shortcomings, but who doesn't?  I can look at myself in the mirror and say life threw me lemons...but the lemonade doesn't taste all that bad or I can look at myself in the mirror and say I just got a booty call from life, apparently it wants to keep fucking me!  I am going to try and be positive about it cause after all I do actually like lemonade!

You are who you are, shortcomings and all.  I am proud to say that I am a transman, and quite frankly that gives me all the balls I need to be a REAL man!

Shots of T

So yesterday I had an appointment with a nurse and I learned how to do self injections of Testosterone.  Being that I had never once given myself an injection, and knowing that in the past all of my intramuscular injections that I have received were slightly painful I psyched myself up.  The nurse took me through all of the steps:

• Get Materials
• Testosterone bottle
• Sterile syringe and 2 sterile needles
• Alcohol wipes or cotton swabs with alcohol on them
• Hard plastic container (to dispose of the syringe and needles
• Wash your hands
• Fill syringe
• Clean the rubber stopper of the vial with an alcohol wipe and allow to dry
• Unwrap syringe and screw on needle
• Pull the plunger up to have the same amount of air as you will need medication
• Take off needle cover
• Insert the needle into the rubber stopper while the vial is upright
• Push plunger down to release the air into the vial (do not put air in the medication because it will cause bubbles)
• Turn the vial upside down and pull back on the plunger a tiny bit further than the prescribed amount
• Make sure that the tip of the needle is in the medication rather than in the air of the vial
• Look for air bubble, if there are any flick the syringe with your fingernail or a pen
• Adjust the plunger to the right dosage level
• Turn the vial upright and remove the needle by pulling the syringe straight up
• Replace needle cover
• Pull back on plunger to allow for some air to enter
• Screw off needle and replace with a new sterile needle
• The needle will be dull going through the rubber stopper so it is easier if you replace it with a new needle
• Push plunger up slowly and release any air
• Cleaning the injection sight
• Find a spot on the outside of your thigh and wipe it down with an alcohol swab
• Allow for the alcohol to dry
• Intramuscular Injection
• Remove the needle cover
• Hold needle an inch or so above the leg
• Take deep breathes (don't hyperventilate) and while breathing out dart the needle through the skin into the muscle
• With your non dominant hand hold on to the syringe, and with the dominant hand pull back on the plunger slightly
• If blood flows back into the syringe you must start over with new medication, syringe and needles
• If no blood appears slowly push down on the plunger to inject the medication
• After the syringe is empty hold it there for 10 seconds
• Remove needle and put an alcohol swab over the injection sight, put pressure on sight and if necessary place a band aid over it
• Clean up
• Put all used syringes, needles and empty drug containers into a resealable hard plastic container
• I am using an old detergent bottle

She taught me these steps and ended up saying I was one of the easiest people to teach, and the best part was that because I was doing the injecting and all that I could go at my own speed so it didn't hurt at all!  More to come soon!

P.S. Please do not just inject yourself without a doctor knowing and a nurse actually teaching you how to do it.  This is just in case people were wondering how to do it and so that I could give myself little reminders.

Trans Puberty

So for a little while I will be going through what I like to call trans puberty.  With that having been said there is going to be a physical side as well as an emotional side to that.  The emotional side I am already feeling the effects of.  One effect is the bathroom conundrum, when I am further along in the process that will no longer be an issue, now it is.  There is also the issue of fitting in.  During puberty everyone is trying to figure themselves out and learn exactly where they belong.  I was at a party the other night where in one room was all lesbians, then in the living room it was divided between heterosexual men and on the other side of the room heterosexual women.  Though I see myself as a man I did not really feel as though I fit into any of those groups.  Now on to the physical.  Once injections begin (finding out today if my insurance will cover at least some of the cost) my voice will be changing, and because the hormone levels will take a bit for my body to grow accustomed to them I may very well get a little bit of pizza face.

Puberty sucks, no matter what time you go through it...so give a little sympathy to those of us who have to go through it twice.

More to come soon!

Bathroom Conundrum

Two pictures; one has a figure standing at attention, and the other has a figure that looks as though it is wearing a cape.  Conventionally people know these as the signs for the male and female restrooms.  Bathrooms, their main purpose is obviously for you to free up space in your bladder and intestines but there are always people who choose to use the bathroom for other things.  Some people use it as a place to chat, powder their noses, some even use them to partake in some extracurricular activities.  Unfortunately 9 times out of 10 bathrooms are not unisex, they are multi-stalled beasts and for someone like me bathrooms can become daunting, uncomfortable and/or unsafe locations.

Being that I identify as male given a choice I will always use the male restroom.  Personally I have never had a problem, men are also a lot more oblivious or just don't care to observe those around them (at least in all the restrooms I have used) so you just go in and then out and you are all set.  Sometimes there are circumstances that prevent or make me shy away from using the bathroom in general.

There is a restaurant that I often frequent (and did before I came out as trans) so they know me as someone who uses the ladies restroom.  A fair amount of them are my friends and are also aware that I am beginning my transition so I don't think that it would be a problem using the other, but at the same time there are enough people that do not know me which complicates the situation.   So since I have come out I just avoid the restroom situation entirely.  But there are times when I just have to go, then what?  I can try and hold it which is an excellent way to get kidney disease.  On the other hand I could just leave, doesn't work so well when I just ordered food though.  My regular restaurant spot is in a shopping complex, so I can walk across the parking lot and use a shop's restrooms and then come all the way back.

There are plenty of places that I would rather have this entire thought process, walk 10 minutes out of my way and still might feel awkward using the bathroom.  I just want to use a bathroom like any other guy, if only it were that easy.  So now that I have whined on and on, just know that if you are out with a trans friend, or family member understand that there may be times where bathrooms might be a big issue.  Just give them a little bit of a break.

FAQs

Frequently Asked Questions:
     1)  What do you prefer to be called, Damien or Koty?

I don't really have a preference either way, the only thing that I ask is if you are introducing me to someone new or someone that I do not know I would prefer that you use Damien.  Now I will definitely not cut you out as a friend, and I will not act like an ass, I just wanted to state what my preference is.
I also do want to make it clear that I want you to feel comfortable calling me whatever it is you choose to call me, but if I introduce myself as either or ask you to sign me up as either please respect my wishes.


     2)  What about pronouns?

This sort of connects with something I have noticed recently.  There is not some magical date in the future when I will be anymore of a man.  You can either see me as a boy/man now or you can't.  Just because I don't have the parts of a cisgendered man does not make me any less of a man.  With that having been said I also completely understand if you do not always use masculine pronouns for me.  Yes, please all the effort that you make know that it is greatly appreciated but if you slip up it is completely understandable!  I know that there is also not a magical switch that you can flip to just call me masculine pronouns.  Do what you can, when you can.  It is a completely different story however if you are purposely just calling me by female pronouns for the hell of it...if that is the case I hope you have a wonderful life but I will no longer be a part of it!


     3)  What happens when you decide this isn't your path, or this isn't right for you, or when you realize    you made a horrible mistake!?

You can worry about me all you want, but I know that this is not a mistake.  This is something that I can only decide for myself.  I am seeing a therapist, he would not have helped me find an endocrinologist if he did not think this is right for me.  My endocrinologist would not have suggested that we start hormones within the next two weeks if she did not think that this is right for me.  Both of those doctors have experience with transgender issues (this is not their first rodeo).  And personally I have nothing that I can compare this situation to to try and help explain my choice.  There are choices in everybody's lives, now contrary to a lot of ignorant people my choice was not whether to be a man or a woman, because that was not a choice the answer is that biologically I was born a female but I know that to be untrue.  The choice I had was whether to live as the honest me or live a lie.  I chose to live the only me I could, the honest one.

Endocrinology

Yesterday was my very first endocrinology appointment, my therapist had sent the abbreviated version of my story/situation so she knew the long and short of it, but she also wanted to hear it from me.

For those of you who don't know, endocrinology is the study of the endocrine glands and pretty much everything that has to do with hormones.  So for someone like myself it is very important to find an endocrinologist who has experience and is very personable.  I am very happy and lucky to say that my endocrinologist not only is very personable, she has lots of experience with FtMs as well as MtFs, she greatly dislikes insurance companies, she wants the best for her patients and she also describes the biology of it in a very easy to understand manner.

Anyway, we went through my options...the first option is a drug that basically just shuts down the messages from the pituitary gland sending waves of estrogen and/or testosterone however that is a very expensive form of treatment pretty much reserved for millionaires or people who don't have to worry about their finances.  Not being either we talked about testosterone the hormone itself.  There are three ways to get it (at least from my hospital) and that is gel, patch or injection.  The gel and patch options are more expensive while the injections are the most cost effective.  With the gel you also run the risk of it not quite getting into your system, but we both decided that injection would be the best option for me.

When my first injection occurs I will be taught how to do them myself which means that I won't have to go to the doctor's office every two to three weeks (initially how we are starting my injection schedule) or even possible once every week (which would be a lower dosage just more often).  In the mean time she had me get some blood work done (mostly just testing my cholesterol and lipid profile because testosterone can greatly effect both of those things) and if all goes well with the results I will be able to start taking T in the next week or two!

A few things about Gender and Sex

There are a few terms that I would like to explain a bit more in depth:

• Gender Identity
• The gender that you know yourself to be in your head.  It is what is inside of you, the hormones that make you and how you interpret all that information.
• Gender Expression
• This is how you demonstrate your gender through actions, clothing, behavior and interactions.
• Biological Sex
• This is much more of a black and white with (much more information located in the) grey area in between: Women - XX Chromosomes, a vagina, ovaries, etc. Men - XY Chromosomes, penis, testes, etc. and Intersex - a combination of the two (this could have a blog of its own)
• Sexual Orientation
• Who you are attracted to based on their gender in relation to yours.

Gender identity, gender expression and biological sex can all be in alignment but for transgender people (transsexuals more specifically) they are not.  For example my sister's gender identity is female, her gender expression is on the more feminine side and her biological sex is that of a woman's.  For me my gender identity and expression are both masculine/male however my biological sex shows me as a female.  The biological sex is what I am working to change, the only thing that I believe is not able to be altered are my XX chromosomes.  

Now with all that having been said if you are dealing with someone who is transgender we have gay people and straight people in our ranks.  It is always respectful and at least in my eyes better to find out someone's sexual orientation based on their gender identity rather than their biological sex, since those two are not always in alignment.  I am heterosexual because my gender identity is male and I am attracted to females.  But it is very important to know this informations simply because sexual orientation doesn't change with your gender identity.  I like girls always have likes girls and will always like girls.  

You are who you are, you love who you love.  But most importantly remember love is blind, patient and always present when you need it, sometimes it is just a little harder to find.

Thanks for reading!

Confidence

Confidence is a big thing for anyone.  Confidence can change how much self esteem you have for yourself...it can make or break a career...it can change your life.  Confidence, everyone needs it but how many of you can say you have it most of the time.  Now I can.  Being true to yourself not only opens up doors into happiness, but it also boosts your confidence like crazy.

There was one night...not so very long ago when I was hanging out with someone that I was crushing on, fairly hard, and I was the old me: sweet, down to earth, shy and did I mention shy?  Anyway all I wanted to do was kiss her, nothing more nothing less just a kiss.  But there was absolutely no way in hell that I was going to initiate it, and she knew that.  By the end of the night I ended up finding out that I may have had an ice cube's chance in hell for at least a kiss if I was just confident.  It sucks hearing or knowing that you can't do something because you are holding yourself back.  Confidence was and had always been a big barrier for me.

There is an upside to this post, I promise.  My point is that after coming out and coming to terms with who I actually am I have begun to exude confidence without even trying.  Now I can go out to a bar and I'll have a bartender buying me drinks (true story) or I'll go to my friend's party and get looked at like a piece of meat (and I kind of like it) or even get undressed by their eyes.  I am a better me just because I can be honest with myself.

Confidence, let yourself have it...you'll be glad you did!

Oh and confidence helps people have a hard time saying no to my smile :)

Passing

For those of my readers who are FtM (or just curious) here are some passing tips:

• Appearance
• Binding
• DO NOT's
• Use tape
• Use ace bandage
• Wear a binder for more than 8 - 12 hours
• DO's
• Buy a compression vest from an FtM owned website or a group that has compression items made specifically for FtMs
• Personally I got my vests from Underworks:
• http://ftm.underworks.com/ 
• Make sure that you position your breasts the right way so that you can make your chest as flat as possible
• Clothes
• Avoid female clothing in general
• V neck shirts often accentuate a more masculine neckline
• Facial Hair
• Guys don't have peach fuzz, unless they have not gone through puberty yet
• If you have shave it
• Don't draw on facial hair
• Unless it is for a picture and make sure that it doesn't look awkward
• Packing
• Definition: Making it appear as if you have a package
• Look at magazines with male models (you won't get looked at if you look in a magazine rather than real life) see how it sits and you can use an actual packer, socks, lots of things...if you are going to the trouble of trying to look as though you have a package I would suggest not half assing it!
• Mr. Limpy
• There are a lot of websites that sell Mr. Limpy (a packer that just happened to be my first packer as well as many other FtMs first packer as well).  It comes in 4 different sizes and 3 different colors.  The one thing I will say...don't overcompensate.  I got the small (5 inches) and that is more than enough for me to get my point across.
• Mr. Limpy looks and feels fairly realistic and I do not have any complaints (at least not as of yet)
• If you wear loose fitting pants or long shirts packing is most certainly not a necessity.  Only wear one when you see fit.
• Extras
• Voice
• As of right now I am still working on this...so if you find a fool proof plan for someone with a relatively high / 12 year old sounding voice, let me know
• Bathroom use
• Stand to Pee (STP) devices
• There are many out there, some are just for use in the bathroom while others are packers as well...and then there are some used for peeing packing and "playing"
• Medicine spoon
• You can go to Walgreens or CVS (any store that has a pharmacy section) and get a medicine spoon.  You can either heat up and cut off the end, or if you have a grinder just grind off the end (that is what I did).  Either way be very careful and don't hurt yourself!
• There are also plenty of videos on youtube just type in STP do it yourself or STP comparisons...there are a lot more people out there far more knowledgable than I am.
• Other means
• There are plenty of cisgender (people who were born into the proper gender) men who sit down to pee.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, so if you don't want to worry about accidents at the beginning jst be confident and walk in to the bathroom pee (wash your hands) and get out.  
• Walking
• Sit out in a park or public place one day and just observe.  Don't copy one person's walk because it is not you and you are only stereotyping walking.  Try a couple of them out and then see what sort of mixture just becomes your walk.

Passing...fails and wins:

 As of right now I have not been able to find a better feeling then passing.  Passing just means that instead of people seeing me as a girl (which unfortunately physically I am) they see me as a guy.  Having people use proper pronouns puts this huge smile on my face.  With that havung been said I do want to get the point across that the people who have known me for years or even a little while before I cam out I am not expecting them to change their pronouns for me overnight...that would be rude, inconsiderate  and in my opinion quite douchey.  But when they make the effort it is duley noted and greatly appreciated.  So for the rest of this little piece when I am talking about passing and what not it is more directed to the general population that does not know me.

Physically speaking for me, passing has always been relatively easy.  I have walked in a masculine way practically my entire life.  Most of the things that were listed in other people's passing lists I had or have done for quite awhile so it wasn't really a shift.  So the physical comes fairly easily to me the voice is what always kills me.  I look a lot younger than I am (22) which sometimes helps because when people see me and I have a high-ish voice most people play it off as just a young voice.  The phone is what always kills me.  Where I work at least 60% of my job is talking on the phone.  There are those customers that don't say ma'am or sir and just give me the order.  They probably think I am a girl in their minds but by not saying I can pretend they don't.  Then there are the people who feel the need to say ma'am (unfortunately it is never sir) over and over and over again.  It is a limitation that I have and quite frankly it sucks!  The Testosterone will help with that but even in that case it will take a good 2 months before my voice is masculinized enough for conversations over the phone to go my way.

I guess what my major point is, is that there are a lot of people out there (gender nonconforming people in general) that just want to be seen as people rather than what they have or don't have in their pants.  There are people who don't see themselves as either gender.  Talk to them as a person and if you have a question ask them.  I would rather someone ask me if I am a boy or girl then just assume and end up calling me a girl.

More entries to come soon!  Thanks for reading...

Brave Inspiration

When I came out (which is still pretty fresh considering officially it was only September 25th) the words that people kept saying to me were that I was an inspiration, and I was so brave for doing what I am doing.  Honestly I don't understand why it is this big thing, it shouldn't be.  I think it is such a big deal because unless you are a part of the trans community you really only hear the sensationalized stories about what it means to be or you hear how someone was attacked or killed.  There are trans people that don't have that happen to them, I know because I am one of them.  Now I am in no way saying that this is going to be an easy road and I also can't tell the future.  But what I do know is I have friends and family that support and love me.

If I inspired someone to go after the life that the want or discover more about the life they never knew they wanted that is great, I just don't understand why me saying enough is enough is inspiring.

Coming Out as Transgender

Coming out, this is the section of my story that I hope becomes more and more common for everyone that the world sees as different.

First I came out to my mom, I had sort of been eluding to it for awhile.  I had already bought a compression vest and I was only wearing boxers or boxer briefs.  She wasn't really surprised.  Then it was a friend followed by my dad and my sister.  My sister's biggest concern was me not being able to have a kid, but I am just fine with adopting thank you!  Then it was a few more friends followed by my maternal grandparents.  All reactions had been positive and very accepting, but then it came time to tell my paternal grandparents.  I was not really sure how it was going to go, mostly because when my dad was younger he had an uncle that his father put into a mental hospital because he had came out as gay.  So when we got to their house I was almost certain that once they had been informed of my life choice my grandfather would say something like, "Get the hell out of my house!"  Somehow it was the complete opposite.  I mean at first my grandfather didn't get it, he thought I was coming out as a lesbian but then once it was explained a bit more clearly he and my grandmother both said I have their full support.  After I told them I had one other friend that I wanted to personally inform.  Then there was nothing left to do in my mind other than just get it out there so I put a status up on facebook that said:


Hey everyone...some of you have known me for a long time and some of you not so much. I have come out as Transgender and I am beginning the process to become a man. My name on facebook and in life is going to be changed to Damien Dakotah LaCount (so for those of you who know me as Koty...you can still call me that too). If you have any questions ask me here or in a message. If you don't agree with it then I hope you have a wonderful life...I know I will.

It was by far the most commented on and liked status that I had ever put up.  I was flooded with love and support, people even told me I was an inspiration and so brave (don't worry I'll touch on that later)!  I was so fearful about the status and at the same time I knew I didn't want to hide it anymore.  I was sent this quote by a wonderful friend:“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”--      Anais Nin

All you ever really hear about are the horror coming out stories, but there are people out there who will love you because of who you are not because of what you do or don't have in your pants.  And then there are sadly those people who are not as accepting, but when that time comes you can lean on those around you who do love you.  And there will always be someone willing to give you a hand...if you ever need a listening ear I'll be here!

Making the decision/ realization

Making the decision and realization to come out as trans was a big one.  When my mom was pregnant with me she was convinced that she was having a boy...and then out came me.  An adorable little porcelain doll faced cherub.  But one day when I was three I brought my sock bucket (yes I keep my socks in a bucket) up to my mother and slammed it down infront of her saying "If you don't cut the ruffles off I'm not wearing them!"  I meant business and from then on, at least for a long while I would get crew cuts, and sweater vests, the boy toys at McDonald's (which I think is a bad idea to have girl and boy toys...but hey that is just me) the whole nine yards...I even tried to shave like my dad.

At that point though I had absolutely no information about the trans community or even that it was a reality.  I mean I knew that there were people that had to be the T in LGBT but it was really just a word.  And because I wanted the world to like me and accept me I started to grow my hair out and on occasion wear dresses.  Never liked it though.  And then I came out as a lesbian.  I liked girls I just thought that was what that meant.  *Disclaimer* not all FtMs like girls, they can like men too.  Just because you are transgender does not mean your preferences change.  Sexual Identity and sexual preference are two very different thing* Any who I digress...I didn't take into account anything else that was going on in my head.  But when I came out as a lesbian I just knew it was wrong.  Don't get me wrong, all of my gay and lesbian friends are wonderful...it is not a choice and they deserve just as much happiness as anyone else, but for me personally I knew that it just didn't quite click.

There was a trans character (luckily enough for me a female to male) and then I started watching videos and clips with FtM people and also just read information about what being trans was.  The more I read the more I realized this is my cup of tea.  Everything that would go on in my head was now at least somewhat clearer.  And I didn't want to let society dictate the wrong life for me anymore!

Blog Cherry Popped

Hey everyone, so I guess this means just what the title says.  My blog cherry has officially been popped...lol. Anyway down to business.  This is going to be a blog all about my journey to finding me, the real me, and nothing but the me or something like that.  Why is that blog worthy...why should you want to read it?  Well honestly I am not so similar to a lot of people.  You see I am transgender and I am beginning the process to become a man.  I am what is called a Female to Male (FtM) transgender, or a transman.  I was born with all the female parts but my brain works like a guy's.

I want to use this blog as a way to help people be informed, but also to take into account that I am not the entire Trans community.  This is my journey and no one else's but all of the general information is the same.  There will be ups and downs I am sure but I hope you will take this journey with me.