I'm not brave I am just me

Just as the title says I'm not brave I am just me.  I put my pants on like everyone else, I walk by putting one foot infront of the other & I switch off which leg I put my injections into.  Okay so maybe I am not typical, but that doesn't make me brave.  I actually started asking people why they thought I was so brave, or inspirational and these were some of the things that they responded with and then my response back to them after thinking about it:

• "You didn't know people's reactions before you came out so it took courage to do it anyway."
• That was part of the reason I didn't just do the post on Facebook, I came out to a select few people because they were open minded.  True being open minded doesn't necessarily mean you accept everything but I had a good feeling.  So once I had a support group that I knew I could fall back on if anything went wrong it was not nearly as daunting a task as it initially seemed to be.
• "You aren't afraid to be who you are"
• I decided that I had spent enough time slowing killing myself with my negative and judgmental thoughts.  No fate that others dish out could have been worse then what I was consistently putting myself through.
• "You are so open about all of it."
• It is a part of me and my history.  Not all trans people necessarily agree to this but in my opinion if I wasn't open about it then I would feel that I was ashamed of my reality & circumstances and that is in no way the case.  Biologically I was born a little girl who grew up to become the man he always knew himself to be.  If people in the trans community are not open and/or okay with who they are then that sends a message to anyone thinking about coming out to just keep it inside because it is better then admitting it and hating yourself.

Other than that it started becoming relatively the same sorts of ideas and comments.  If I inspire people that is fantastic, but I really don't see myself as any more brave/courageous than the next Tom, Dick, or Harry.

1 year after coming out

So September 25th was one year after coming out to the world.  A lot of people asked me if I was happy.  I could only respond with "I am the happiest I have been in as long as I can remember."  Some people continued to show their support and let me know that I am an inspiration, courageous & other such things (which I am going to go into more detail in my next post).

I still consider myself incredibly lucky because I have not really faced any negativity.  No one has actually said or done anything to put me down or make me feel inferior (aside from people misgendering me).  I am sure I have said this before...and I am sure I will say it again, but it is truly sad that because I am being treated as a human being I am "Lucky".  It truly says something about the world that we live in if we cannot accept and appreciate the differences that make each one of us special, unique & one of a kind.

Almost 10 months on T

It has been awhile since I have done an update but the changes have been a lot more slow coming.  I am really noticing a bigger difference in the muscle structure of my arms.  My voice is still dropping (something I will NEVER complain about...lol), unfortunately for a vast majority of the population I still sound like a female on the phone or over a drive thru intercom.  One awesome thing that happened a few days ago was I went through the KFC drive through and one of the things in my order the guy didn't quite get so he said "And what was that last part sir?"  I was ecstatic!  And less of my fat is residing in my hips and butt.  Short but to the point.

Name Change Process

August 5th I went to court and filed for my official name change.  Being that it was something that I had never done before there were a few questions that I should have asked:

• How long will the process take?
• Will I need multiple copies of the name change certificate?

Well I can tell you by this point it is August 20th...I have been waiting for over 2 weeks to receive the certificate in the mail.  I didn't think it would take nearly this long...but silly me I suppose I had too much faith in our judicial system/government.  

However I know the next steps I will need to take once I receive the certificate.  My next stop will be the social security office.  When there I will need to have the certificate as well as my birth certificate and license (or some other form of photo identification).  Once I receive my SS card in the mail after all the information has been changed I can then go to the RMV.  There I will need my SS card, and my license (which will most likely have to be surrendered...at least i had to do that when I got my gender marker changed).  Both places I will also have to fill out other paper work.

At least the longest (Knock on wood) and most expensive part of it is over.  Here's hoping I'll get the certificate soon!    

Helpful hints while dealing with someone who is transgender

1. If someone is FTM or MTF do not say that they don't look like a man or woman 
• Honestly men all look different as do women, there is not one specific look that everyone has to follow to be the gender they know themselves to be
2. Calling someone IT
• Personally I don't have an issue with it.  I would rather you call me it then misgender me completely.  Others however get VERY angry.  This should depend on your relationship with the person that is transgender.
3. DO NOT out someone
• Transgender people (escpecially if pre everything*) have a challenge in trying to get people to believe their true gender identity.  If they have passed and actually have someone believing that they are the gender they know themselves to be then don't ruin that by outing them and making other people know that they were not born in the right body.
4. The word "Tranny"
• There is a lot of debate about this in the community.  Some people say that it should not be used at all.  Others say it is okay to be used within the community itself.  Personally I think everyone should be allowed to say it or no one should be allowed to say it.  I totally understand trying to take back the word or not wanting people to use it with a negative connotation but by saying that one group of people cannot say it but we can just sort of defeats the idea of equality, don't you think.
5. Gender Identity vs. Sexual Preference
• Do not assume they are the same thing.  Someone who is transgender can be bi, straight, gay, pansexual, asexual or any other kind of sexual preference there could possible be.
6. Last but not least Gender Reassignment Surgery
• Honestly it is none of your business if someone has gone through part of the surgery all of the surgery or none of the surgery.  That does not make them any less of a man or woman.  Genitalia does not make the gender and I cannot stress that enough.

* Pre everything means pre hormones and pre op which just means they have not had surgery yet

6 Months

So it has been awhile.  I haven't really had much to report on or I just have not had the time to write.  So here is the update.

April 24th was 6 months on T!  My voice still continues to get lower which is a good thing.  There is more hair growing on the underside of my thighs.  I shaved my mustache on April 19th and it is just starting to show again now.  I am starting to get hair on my cheeks but it is SUPER light and VERY short.  I got a haircut (my dad said I looked like a marine) but it seems to be helping.  The past week or so I have gotten a lot more Sirs then Ma'ams...

On another note I am sad because my endocrinologist (the doctor that prescribes my testosterone) is moving to California because her husband got a job.  But we will soon be figuring out whether I will just be getting a new Endocrinologist at Harvard Vanguard or if I will be getting referred to Fenway Health.  It sort of depends on my cholesterol levels.  I have always had high cholesterol, but I had really high good cholesterol so it was never really an issue.  Because I am now taking testosterone that could greatly change.  I am going to get blood work done in a week or so and we will go on from there.  Since I have lost some more weight and have been trying to be a bit more health conscious it won't be a problem...here's hoping anyway.

Now I have lost a total of 45 pounds from when I was my heaviest!

That's all for now.

Funny Story

So a couple of weeks ago I had a delivery for someone who had actually sold a house for my parents just a little while before I was born.  When I dropped off the delivery she said "Are you related to the owners?"

I responded with, "Yes, I'm their son Damien"

To which she replied, " Oh their son...don't you have a sister named Savannah or something like that."

"No, I have a sister named Branigan though."

"Branigan, yeah...that is one, but don't you have another sister?"

And being as quick as I could I said, "No, but you might know me as my middle name; Dakotah"

"Dakotah, that's it."  And after a brief pause she looked at me with confusion and said, "When you were little your parents used to call you by your middle name?"

I shook my head in an affirmative way, and then proceeded to wish her a pleasant day as I left her room.  See, if I had been born a boy I wouldn't have funny stories like these!

T Update

So Sunday was my 5 month mark of being on T!  Pretty cool, I know.  My voice is still getting lower, it will most likely reach my real vocal tone around 6 months (there still may be a little change here and there).  Unfortunately I am still going through second puberty so my voice still cracks.

Surprisingly on the acne front I am doing fairly well, I mostly just have a few pimples on my neck.  Maybe since my first puberty was so bad for acne I got it all out of my system.

I still see the hair growth.  I have a very thin (often times hard to see) mustache which makes me smile!  I also have hair starting to grow on my chest.  I have about five normal size chest hairs and then this one that just grows to strangely long lengths.  I guess I can deal with that though.  The hair on my thighs is spreading so rather than just on the top of my thighs I am starting to see it growing lower down.

You can really see the difference in my muscles (triceps especially).  I have been getting lazy with going to the gym, but I have a more masculine looking arm now that I have been on T for a few months.

Oh, and finally, my moods have evened out...which just means that my body is getting used to the hormonal changes.  Thank goodness!

Cleaned out closets/ 4 months on T

So yesterday was my 4 months on T mark; pretty cool, I know.  My voice continues to get lower.  I am starting to see the hair grow on my thighs as well as my upper lip (it really just looks like I need to shave, but when people look up close the hairs are long they are just really fine).  Obviously as my voice changes my singing range also changes, and I can now sing along with a lot of my favorite male led bands but some of the songs I know and love (that are female led bands) I need to sing it down the octave.

I took a big step the other day as well.  I got rid of all my old clothes.  I had some dresses (or skirts) here and there (for special occasions), female pants and shirts and I went through them all and they are now in bags just waiting to be donated.  It took me a lot longer to get around to it then I had thought it would but now it is done!  Lets see what I do next...

Surgery fund

So at the shop I put a jar on the front counter, and rather than putting "TIPS" on it I put "Surgery Fund".  I did that at the beginning of February and I actually have gotten more money than I thought I would have.  

But I really want to give a shout out to one of my friends, Josh.  We went out and he was asking how I was...I said I would be better if I had 8 grand so I could just get my surgery over with.  He looked at me and said "I'll give you a hundred."  I was slightly dumbfounded.  Times are hard (especially financially) and to have a friend just offer up a hundred dollars is incredibly moving.  He said he had no issue giving me the money because it was for the greater good.  

So surgery fund is officially starting...let's see how soon I can schedule my surgery....

Trans Awareness

We have groups like Nagly (North Shore Alliance Gay and Lesbian Youth [cool group of people]) and Gay Straight Alliances, some of which are accepting of trans people while others are not.  The problem is...how do trans people know where they will be accepted and how do they know they are not just going to be hearing about gay and lesbian life?  Don't get me wrong I don't think that there has to be a group that talks about trans issues or life 50% of the time.  It just seems as though there aren't many places that just have trans in the name you know?  For a noob in the trans community it can be hard to navigate I just wish it was a bit clearer.

Jokes

I like to think that I am a pretty easy going guy, but I realized something over the weekend: gender jokes (whether about me or not) are not something I keep a cool head about.  I don't know if that will always be the case but for right now I get all fired up.  I think it is probably because half the time I have people calling me a girl while the a quarter of the time people just openly stare at me trying to figure out my gender and then the other quarter of the time I get properly labeled as the gender I know myself to be...the last thing I want is to read or hear someone making a joke about gender.  Don't get me wrong dumb guy jokes and "women should be making me a sandwich" jokes don't bother me.  I don't know how to define the line and what crosses over it...but I am working on it.

First Event 2013

On Friday my mom along with a couple of friends and I went to Kowloon for dinner.  It was a regular Friday night until a big group of people walked through the front doors and one of them was a fairly tall man with what looked to me like a tutu.  My mom being the outgoing woman that she is said "I just have to talk to him."  So off she went to the other side of the bar to talk to him.  After a few minutes I suddenly hear my name from across the bar and my mother is gesturing for me to come over to the group.  It turned out that they were actually a group of people from First Event coming down for dinner.  Now I am sure you are thinking to yourself, what is first event.  I was as well, but I found out that it is a transgender conference with workshops and vendors and all sorts of people on the gender spectrum.The man in the tutu...who we shall call my fairy godmother, brought me to the ship and introduced me to his group of friends, the majority of which where transgender women.  My fairy godmother told me that First Event was going to be happening on Saturday as well and I should come up.

On Saturday I woke up and didn't quite know what to expect.  I hopped in the car and drove to the peabody marriot.  When I got to the hotel I was nervous, but it was amazing to see so many people that were transgender all in one place.  I found my fairy godmother quite quickly and he brought me to the transmasculine luncheon.  There was a room full of trans men having lunch just chatting away.  After lunch I met up with my fairy godmother again and he ended up paying my registration fee so that I could go to the other workshops that day.  It was a very interesting experience, and because of going there I am now getting set to go to a Nagly meeting (which is a group for gay, lesbian and transgender youth going up to age 23).  Lets see how much I can get myself out of my comfort zone!

Blast from the past

Friday, of last week I went to my old high school for a lunch time visit with the GSA (gay straight alliance).  LGBT Alumni were invited and unfortunately I was the only one who showed up.  I understand that people have other commitments, but I was still hoping for a bigger turnout than just little old me.  But after thinking about it I actually realized that it was great that I was the only one who came.  Being that they are titled the Gay Straight Alliance I figured that they talk a lot about struggles of members of the gay and lesbian communities but they probably don't know all that much about the life of someone who is Transgender.  It turns out I was right, and what made it even better was that they had recently watched a video that dealt with  people who were transgender.

When I got there I was excited to see all the diversity in this group of people who were supportive of the LGBT community.  They had a lot of awesome questions and they all tried to be as respectful as they could be.  I was honored to have the opportunity to shed some light on a topic that doesn't get discussed nearly as much as it should.

Flirting and passing

So for as long as I can remember it has always been fairly difficult for me to start a conversation with anyone I think is attractive or anyone I look up to...or quite frankly anyone who seems the least bit more confident then me.  That makes sense for a lot of reasons.  I wasn't confident or happy in who I was which just made it worse any time I would try to introduce myself.  Imagine, if you will, a train that is traveling somewhat slowly on a bridge.  That train then reaches the end of the bridge...unfortunately the conductor did not know that the bridge was not complete and the train goes tumbling into a ravine.  That is the image I used to get in my head, but this past weekend a lot has changed.  Now I am not saying that my low self esteem is cured but it is most certainly better then it was.  So here is what happened:

On Friday I went to Kowloon with my parents and about a half hour after we got there an attractive 26 year old woman sat down and her friend (also 26) stood next to her.  I took a deep breath and asked the one standing up if she wanted my seat or if she at least wanted me to push over so she could squeeze in another chair.  She thanked me but said she was fine.  After that initial exchange it just seemed easier and easier to find a way to enter in to their conversation.  As the night progressed I had both of them laughing hysterically, and I even went as far as to buy them drinks.  Well long story short, when it was time for them to leave they both said that I had made their nights and they hope the next time they come they will see me.  The best part was that I passed the whole time...and, well, they flirted back!

The next night we went out I stayed a bit longer then everyone else to talk to a waitress that I had been thinking about striking up a conversation with (not necessarily with the goal of getting in her pants or anything, more so I could practice talking to pretty girls).  Anyway I did end up talking to her and went back to my seat at the bar to finish my drink.  While sipping on my drink I had the wonderful fortune of having to two attractive women sit next to me (this time through the conversation I found out that they had kids...so they would not be in the cougar category yet but they were certainly in the MILF category!).  After having several exchanges a friend of their's said they finally got a table.  The women said that they would be right over and they ended up staying with me for a bit longer.  After their buddy came back over and gave them a nice reminder that he was sitting at the table all alone they said they would be right over.  After finishing their drinks they invited me over to their table.  And the rest is history.

So, like I said, I am not cured of low self esteem but it has increased about ten fold!

New things learned

So even being transgender and the person who is going through the transition there are still things that I don't necessarily know quite yet.  Now thanks to TQ Nation I have a space where I can ask questions and get answers from people who have already been through the journey that i am just starting.

For example I wasn't completely clear about my future on Testosterone; Would I have to take it forever?  Would my dosage get increased?  And so on.  I learned that I will have to be on testosterone for the rest of my life (which I am fine with, but it is also good to know).  My dosage will also get increased and/or changed throughout my life.  I also learned that if I keep my reproductive organs and continue to take Testosterone my risk of getting cervical cancer will be increased.

I think that if people ask me questions and I am not 100% sure of the answer I should just tell them.  And then let them know when I do find out the answers.

When is it time to correct people?

I have been wondering about this for awhile.  It is a question that has a lot of different answers on all sorts of levels.  I have friends and family that I am already correcting (to the best of my knowledge not in a rude way) but what about other people?

For strangers that I, in all likelihood, will never see again I have absolutely no problem saying whoa, I'm actually a dude.  But at the same time...if I am not going to see them again why make them feel stupid that they called me the wrong pronoun.  Maybe it will make them less likely to just assume gender, but at the same rate it could change nothing.  It would probably make me feel better if they corrected themselves, and I think I should probably focus on me.

What about the people that have known me since I was little?  Seeing as how I now work at my mom's flower shop when people call or come in a lot of times they will say, "Is this Valerie's daughter?"  I don't want to be rude and say no, because that is all they have ever known me to be.  But I also don't want them to continue to call me little girl, or daughter in the future.  Then there is also the worry that they might not be very open minded and someone that my mom has had as a customer for years will no longer come because of the transgender child.  On the other hand there is also the idea that we wouldn't want them to shop here after they were not tolerant anyway.  So final ruling?

Then there are friends of my friends.  If I met them after I came out as trans my friends tend to do a good job of introducing me as Damien (or at least a guy) so that part is all fine and well.  If I met them before I came out as trans that is another story.  But since they aren't really my personal friends I think it would probably be better to ask our mutual friend how they would prefer me to handle it.

So the ruling is:
Strangers - Correct them regardless
Parental Acquaintances - Politely explain the situation
Personal Acquaintances - Ask mutual friend how they would like me to proceed
Close friends & family - bust their chops correcting them (or just correct them)