Confidence

Confidence is a big thing for anyone.  Confidence can change how much self esteem you have for yourself...it can make or break a career...it can change your life.  Confidence, everyone needs it but how many of you can say you have it most of the time.  Now I can.  Being true to yourself not only opens up doors into happiness, but it also boosts your confidence like crazy.

There was one night...not so very long ago when I was hanging out with someone that I was crushing on, fairly hard, and I was the old me: sweet, down to earth, shy and did I mention shy?  Anyway all I wanted to do was kiss her, nothing more nothing less just a kiss.  But there was absolutely no way in hell that I was going to initiate it, and she knew that.  By the end of the night I ended up finding out that I may have had an ice cube's chance in hell for at least a kiss if I was just confident.  It sucks hearing or knowing that you can't do something because you are holding yourself back.  Confidence was and had always been a big barrier for me.

There is an upside to this post, I promise.  My point is that after coming out and coming to terms with who I actually am I have begun to exude confidence without even trying.  Now I can go out to a bar and I'll have a bartender buying me drinks (true story) or I'll go to my friend's party and get looked at like a piece of meat (and I kind of like it) or even get undressed by their eyes.  I am a better me just because I can be honest with myself.

Confidence, let yourself have it...you'll be glad you did!

Oh and confidence helps people have a hard time saying no to my smile :)

Passing

For those of my readers who are FtM (or just curious) here are some passing tips:

• Appearance
• Binding
• DO NOT's
• Use tape
• Use ace bandage
• Wear a binder for more than 8 - 12 hours
• DO's
• Buy a compression vest from an FtM owned website or a group that has compression items made specifically for FtMs
• Personally I got my vests from Underworks:
• http://ftm.underworks.com/ 
• Make sure that you position your breasts the right way so that you can make your chest as flat as possible
• Clothes
• Avoid female clothing in general
• V neck shirts often accentuate a more masculine neckline
• Facial Hair
• Guys don't have peach fuzz, unless they have not gone through puberty yet
• If you have shave it
• Don't draw on facial hair
• Unless it is for a picture and make sure that it doesn't look awkward
• Packing
• Definition: Making it appear as if you have a package
• Look at magazines with male models (you won't get looked at if you look in a magazine rather than real life) see how it sits and you can use an actual packer, socks, lots of things...if you are going to the trouble of trying to look as though you have a package I would suggest not half assing it!
• Mr. Limpy
• There are a lot of websites that sell Mr. Limpy (a packer that just happened to be my first packer as well as many other FtMs first packer as well).  It comes in 4 different sizes and 3 different colors.  The one thing I will say...don't overcompensate.  I got the small (5 inches) and that is more than enough for me to get my point across.
• Mr. Limpy looks and feels fairly realistic and I do not have any complaints (at least not as of yet)
• If you wear loose fitting pants or long shirts packing is most certainly not a necessity.  Only wear one when you see fit.
• Extras
• Voice
• As of right now I am still working on this...so if you find a fool proof plan for someone with a relatively high / 12 year old sounding voice, let me know
• Bathroom use
• Stand to Pee (STP) devices
• There are many out there, some are just for use in the bathroom while others are packers as well...and then there are some used for peeing packing and "playing"
• Medicine spoon
• You can go to Walgreens or CVS (any store that has a pharmacy section) and get a medicine spoon.  You can either heat up and cut off the end, or if you have a grinder just grind off the end (that is what I did).  Either way be very careful and don't hurt yourself!
• There are also plenty of videos on youtube just type in STP do it yourself or STP comparisons...there are a lot more people out there far more knowledgable than I am.
• Other means
• There are plenty of cisgender (people who were born into the proper gender) men who sit down to pee.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, so if you don't want to worry about accidents at the beginning jst be confident and walk in to the bathroom pee (wash your hands) and get out.  
• Walking
• Sit out in a park or public place one day and just observe.  Don't copy one person's walk because it is not you and you are only stereotyping walking.  Try a couple of them out and then see what sort of mixture just becomes your walk.

Passing...fails and wins:

 As of right now I have not been able to find a better feeling then passing.  Passing just means that instead of people seeing me as a girl (which unfortunately physically I am) they see me as a guy.  Having people use proper pronouns puts this huge smile on my face.  With that havung been said I do want to get the point across that the people who have known me for years or even a little while before I cam out I am not expecting them to change their pronouns for me overnight...that would be rude, inconsiderate  and in my opinion quite douchey.  But when they make the effort it is duley noted and greatly appreciated.  So for the rest of this little piece when I am talking about passing and what not it is more directed to the general population that does not know me.

Physically speaking for me, passing has always been relatively easy.  I have walked in a masculine way practically my entire life.  Most of the things that were listed in other people's passing lists I had or have done for quite awhile so it wasn't really a shift.  So the physical comes fairly easily to me the voice is what always kills me.  I look a lot younger than I am (22) which sometimes helps because when people see me and I have a high-ish voice most people play it off as just a young voice.  The phone is what always kills me.  Where I work at least 60% of my job is talking on the phone.  There are those customers that don't say ma'am or sir and just give me the order.  They probably think I am a girl in their minds but by not saying I can pretend they don't.  Then there are the people who feel the need to say ma'am (unfortunately it is never sir) over and over and over again.  It is a limitation that I have and quite frankly it sucks!  The Testosterone will help with that but even in that case it will take a good 2 months before my voice is masculinized enough for conversations over the phone to go my way.

I guess what my major point is, is that there are a lot of people out there (gender nonconforming people in general) that just want to be seen as people rather than what they have or don't have in their pants.  There are people who don't see themselves as either gender.  Talk to them as a person and if you have a question ask them.  I would rather someone ask me if I am a boy or girl then just assume and end up calling me a girl.

More entries to come soon!  Thanks for reading...

Brave Inspiration

When I came out (which is still pretty fresh considering officially it was only September 25th) the words that people kept saying to me were that I was an inspiration, and I was so brave for doing what I am doing.  Honestly I don't understand why it is this big thing, it shouldn't be.  I think it is such a big deal because unless you are a part of the trans community you really only hear the sensationalized stories about what it means to be or you hear how someone was attacked or killed.  There are trans people that don't have that happen to them, I know because I am one of them.  Now I am in no way saying that this is going to be an easy road and I also can't tell the future.  But what I do know is I have friends and family that support and love me.

If I inspired someone to go after the life that the want or discover more about the life they never knew they wanted that is great, I just don't understand why me saying enough is enough is inspiring.

Coming Out as Transgender

Coming out, this is the section of my story that I hope becomes more and more common for everyone that the world sees as different.

First I came out to my mom, I had sort of been eluding to it for awhile.  I had already bought a compression vest and I was only wearing boxers or boxer briefs.  She wasn't really surprised.  Then it was a friend followed by my dad and my sister.  My sister's biggest concern was me not being able to have a kid, but I am just fine with adopting thank you!  Then it was a few more friends followed by my maternal grandparents.  All reactions had been positive and very accepting, but then it came time to tell my paternal grandparents.  I was not really sure how it was going to go, mostly because when my dad was younger he had an uncle that his father put into a mental hospital because he had came out as gay.  So when we got to their house I was almost certain that once they had been informed of my life choice my grandfather would say something like, "Get the hell out of my house!"  Somehow it was the complete opposite.  I mean at first my grandfather didn't get it, he thought I was coming out as a lesbian but then once it was explained a bit more clearly he and my grandmother both said I have their full support.  After I told them I had one other friend that I wanted to personally inform.  Then there was nothing left to do in my mind other than just get it out there so I put a status up on facebook that said:


Hey everyone...some of you have known me for a long time and some of you not so much. I have come out as Transgender and I am beginning the process to become a man. My name on facebook and in life is going to be changed to Damien Dakotah LaCount (so for those of you who know me as Koty...you can still call me that too). If you have any questions ask me here or in a message. If you don't agree with it then I hope you have a wonderful life...I know I will.

It was by far the most commented on and liked status that I had ever put up.  I was flooded with love and support, people even told me I was an inspiration and so brave (don't worry I'll touch on that later)!  I was so fearful about the status and at the same time I knew I didn't want to hide it anymore.  I was sent this quote by a wonderful friend:“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”--      Anais Nin

All you ever really hear about are the horror coming out stories, but there are people out there who will love you because of who you are not because of what you do or don't have in your pants.  And then there are sadly those people who are not as accepting, but when that time comes you can lean on those around you who do love you.  And there will always be someone willing to give you a hand...if you ever need a listening ear I'll be here!

Making the decision/ realization

Making the decision and realization to come out as trans was a big one.  When my mom was pregnant with me she was convinced that she was having a boy...and then out came me.  An adorable little porcelain doll faced cherub.  But one day when I was three I brought my sock bucket (yes I keep my socks in a bucket) up to my mother and slammed it down infront of her saying "If you don't cut the ruffles off I'm not wearing them!"  I meant business and from then on, at least for a long while I would get crew cuts, and sweater vests, the boy toys at McDonald's (which I think is a bad idea to have girl and boy toys...but hey that is just me) the whole nine yards...I even tried to shave like my dad.

At that point though I had absolutely no information about the trans community or even that it was a reality.  I mean I knew that there were people that had to be the T in LGBT but it was really just a word.  And because I wanted the world to like me and accept me I started to grow my hair out and on occasion wear dresses.  Never liked it though.  And then I came out as a lesbian.  I liked girls I just thought that was what that meant.  *Disclaimer* not all FtMs like girls, they can like men too.  Just because you are transgender does not mean your preferences change.  Sexual Identity and sexual preference are two very different thing* Any who I digress...I didn't take into account anything else that was going on in my head.  But when I came out as a lesbian I just knew it was wrong.  Don't get me wrong, all of my gay and lesbian friends are wonderful...it is not a choice and they deserve just as much happiness as anyone else, but for me personally I knew that it just didn't quite click.

There was a trans character (luckily enough for me a female to male) and then I started watching videos and clips with FtM people and also just read information about what being trans was.  The more I read the more I realized this is my cup of tea.  Everything that would go on in my head was now at least somewhat clearer.  And I didn't want to let society dictate the wrong life for me anymore!

Blog Cherry Popped

Hey everyone, so I guess this means just what the title says.  My blog cherry has officially been popped...lol. Anyway down to business.  This is going to be a blog all about my journey to finding me, the real me, and nothing but the me or something like that.  Why is that blog worthy...why should you want to read it?  Well honestly I am not so similar to a lot of people.  You see I am transgender and I am beginning the process to become a man.  I am what is called a Female to Male (FtM) transgender, or a transman.  I was born with all the female parts but my brain works like a guy's.

I want to use this blog as a way to help people be informed, but also to take into account that I am not the entire Trans community.  This is my journey and no one else's but all of the general information is the same.  There will be ups and downs I am sure but I hope you will take this journey with me.